It probably hasn’t escaped your attention (though you may wish it had) that the World Cup begins this weekend. That’s the men’s football World Cup, of course – which means four weeks and 64 matches of sweaty blokes rolling around with pretend injuries while occasionally scoring a goal or two; this time, unusually, amid the desert warmth of Qatar.

But let’s imagine, for a moment, that the tournament wasn’t about football. Let’s say that it was a World Cup of Travel. Involving the same 32 nations, facing off in the exact same order, only on the simple yet crucial matter of which ranks as the best holiday destination, rather than on who can boot a leathery sphere into a big rectangle more than anyone else.

Who would win? Well, for one thing, it wouldn’t be Italy, because the Azzurri failed to qualify for the actual World Cup – which, rather unhelpfully, rules the land of the Amalfi Coast and the Colosseum out of this parallel (but far more important) competition. The same goes for Sweden, Norway, Greece and New Zealand – and while we’re at it, South Africa, Colombia, Botswana, India, China, Peru, Chile and Egypt. Sorry, we don’t make the rules. Well actually, we do make the rules, but we aren’t changing the rules. So there.

Still with us? Good. The Travel Referee is on the pitch, whistle to his lips. Let us begin…

Group A

Countries: Qatar, Ecuador, Senegal, The Netherlands

An even-handed gathering of four countries; with no continent represented more than once. Who will triumph in this symmetrical battle of equals? Well, Ecuador, obviously – on account of its having the Galapagos Islands, the Avenue of the Volcanos, and its high-altitude capital city Quito on the books; the footballing equivalent of a line-up containing Maradona, Pele and, erm, Peter Crouch.